Say the Words
by chinocoop81
Summary: A story of love, loss, and hope and how three words can change everything. RM one shot


The loud thunder mixing with the sounds of the large raindrops beating against the roof made it hard for Marissa to think. The sad and depressing music that blasted from the large surround sound speakers in the living room made it hard to hear anything. The fact that she'd been sitting in the same position for over two hours made it hard to feel anything. Her runny nose made it hard to smell and the tears in her eyes clouded her vision to where she couldn't see. Basically life sucked right now and there was nothing she could do to change it. Her husband, Ryan, hadn't talked, like really talked, to her in months. Ever since the incident happened, things had been different. 

She'd known Ryan for a while. They were both twenty seven and had both been through everything imaginable together. From fights to divorces, accidents to romance, comedy to tragedy, everything was just one crazy rollercoaster ride. They were the couple that was always a couple, soul mates. Now though, they were like two strangers that lived in the same house, passing by each other without talking. She couldn't remember the last time he even kissed her, or even longer since then, the last time they made love. It had been surely almost half a year, she knew that. Because today was the anniversary of that day that changed their lives forever.

And Ryan wasn't even here to help her through it.

_**9 years ago**_

_The machines around him beeped and hummed their little machine like sounds and it scared the hell out of him. He'd always hated hospitals. Nothing good ever happened at hospitals after all. This summer it had been worse though. He'd been watching Marissa stay in a coma and it hurt him to know he couldn't do anything to save her this time. This time he couldn't be her savior. He hadn't been able to stop her from the accident after all, and that's why he was here. Maybe if he'd pulled over she'd be healthy and alive on a boat with her dad. But he didn't, and here they were._

The doctors often told him to go home and get some rest. He hadn't actually left the hospital all summer, since they came. No one understood that he couldn't leave Marissa, he'd already done that so many times before. He'd promised her on the road that he wouldn't leave her there, and that still stands true. He'd never leave her again. So the Cohens had brought him clean clothes and a toothbrush and any other things that he needed and when he needed to shower or something, he used her bathroom in the room. She had the room all to herself because Julie wouldn't stand for her daughter to share a room with someone.

Julie would often come by, but wouldn't stick around for long. It was obvious that she was uncomfortable with him in the room, but she was the also the only person who understood that he needed to be here. If Marissa woke up, he wanted to be the first thing she saw. He often held her hand or talked about random stuff. Sometimes he would start talking about memories he had about her that he liked to think of. Other times he told her about his life in Chino. He hoped that she could really hear him, because some of things he said he knew he wouldn't be able to repeat again, but he really wanted her to know them.

Today was like any other day. When he opened his eyes, hers were still closed. He sighed and held her hand, lacing their fingers together. He looked at her face. Nothing. He kissed her hand and then went and brushed his teeth. Then he came back quickly. Still nothing. He smiled down at her, even though it was hard to do sometimes, and kissed her forehead. "Good morning," He said. He brushed some of her light brown, almost blonde hair out of her face and said, "I had the strangest dream last night."

Then, he sat down and started telling her about his dream. It really was a strange dream to him, so he started. "I was sitting here at the hospital with you, and suddenly you wake up. I was so happy and excited, but then you looked at me and asked me who I was. I told you, and you said you didn't remember me and that you wanted me to leave. The next thing I know you're asking for Johnny, and then Oliver to come see you. I left the room, and told your mom. You remembered her, and Seth, Summer, Sandy, and Kirsten…and everyone else that had ever been in our lives but me." He was beginning to feel the emotions from the dream again, and he looked down at his feet on the floor. Then he continued, "And I kept asking you how you could remember everyone else but not me after all we've been through, but you just kept telling me that you didn't want me, that I was beginning to scare you. So I left…and I don't think I'd ever been more hurt in my life. I walked to the lifeguard station and started yelling really loud and even kicked it. All that was going through my head was that after everything, all the fights and make ups and kisses and tears, you didn't want me." He continued looking down, and then suddenly he felt something squeeze his hand.

He looked up and saw Marissa staring at him, love evident in her eyes. He smiled and felt an overwhelming sense of joy wash over him. She was awake, and she remembered him! "I could never forget you," she said slowly, looking like she was having trouble speaking. "And I'll always want you." She gave him a small smile and then shyly said, "No matter what happens." 

**Silence is golden but these are the words  
That the world needs to hear   
[brothers and sisters  
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction  
As love drives them near **

He was always so busy with work nowadays. He would grunt a hello to her in the morning and then grab a bagel and leave. He never said I love you, or have a nice day. He was always late in the evenings, and she'd actually begun to wonder if he was having an affair. There was this really short red head at his work that was really pretty. He'd always said that he wasn't attracted to her, but now things could have changed. Ever since that day, she feels like she hasn't known him anymore. Sometimes she wants to shake him and ask what happened to the man she married, the one she loves. Who is this person that lives with her? It's not Ryan. It can't be.

_**7 years ago**_

_She couldn't explain the feeling that she had. No words could amount to the joy she had inside of her at this moment. This feeling had lasted two whole years, a new record. Ever since she woke up at the hospital, Ryan had been at her side. He'd been amazing the whole time, and while some would find it annoying to have someone be so protective and careful, she found it extremely…hot. He was so gentle with her and treated her like she was the most valuable thing in the world and it made her feel so special all the time. Nothing could make her happier than she already was, she was sure of it. _

Now her and Ryan were in Ryan's apartment, somewhere they always stayed at and she had her head rested on Ryan's chest. One had was holding hers, and his other was holding her tightly, protectively, almost as if she'd leave if he let go. They'd just made love and both were grinning uncontrollably and completely content.

They had gotten back together as soon as she left the hospital, neither could wait any longer. This time they talked more, and Ryan was just so sweet. Whenever she asked about the change in him, he always told her the same thing. "I almost lost you once…I won't lose you again." And she knew by the look in his eye, that determination, that he wasn't lying. It made her feel so safe.

Ryan kissed the top of her head and smiled, then said, "We've been together for about two years now…"

She nodded and looked into his eyes. "It feels like just yesterday we were at the bottom of the driveway," She said honestly.

He nodded and his look grew serious. "What are we doing?" He asked. 

She was confused. Did he not think they were serious or something? If so, then she'd just spent about two years of her life on nothing. "What do you mean by that?" She asked, suddenly afraid of the answer.

"I mean…do you ever think of your future and see us together?" He asked shyly.

She nodded and said, "All the time."

"Do you ever see us married with kids?" He asked, looking into her eyes.

She nodded and said, "Of course."

"Will you marry me?" He asked, and she was caught off guard.

"What?" She asked, her eyes wide.

He looked into her eyes and said, "I want you to marry me. I want to have a family with you, to raise kids with you, to spend the rest of my life with you." He smiled at her and asked, 

"So, Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"

She grinned and nodded. "Yes, of course…yes!" She leaned in and kissed him hard and passionately on the mouth. As they made love again and again that day, they felt that nothing could ever come between them. 

**But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride  
Pretending we are blind to the calling  
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased  
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling? **

She got up from where she was sitting and walked over to the dining room table where there was food, now getting cold, set out. She'd spent a lot of the day preparing for this. It was hard for both of them and she figured that they could go through it all together. But here it was, midnight, and he still wasn't home. She should be worried, but she knew that nothing happened. He was just late, probably having one last fuck with the red head. It made tears sting the back of her eyes once again, but she wouldn't let them fall. He didn't deserve for them to fall. He lost the right for her to cry over him a long time ago.

_**6 years ago**_   
_  
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."_

Ryan didn't need to be told twice. He smiled at Marissa and leaned in and captured her lips in a kiss, their first kiss, as husband and wife. It was simple and sweet but told so much at the same time. He pulled back and whispered, "I love you, Mrs. Atwood."

She smiled and said, "I love you too." And then they turned and held hands, walking down the aisle, showing everyone how much they loved each other. 

**Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear  
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear **

She grabbed the two plates of food and put one in the microwave for him and threw the other one away. She wasn't hungry anymore. She hadn't actually eaten anything all day, that's how upset she was. She walked upstairs, and started to cry. How could this have happened to them? Why?!!

She walked into the bedroom, her bedroom. Their daughter's bedroom. Allyson was her name. They called her Allie…no one ever called her by her full name. They loved her so much. She remembered when she told Ryan she was pregnant. He was so happy, they both were.

_**5 years ago**_

_"Hey." Ryan said, leaning in and kissing her. She was laying on the bed, reading some magazine. She didn't go to work, Ryan wouldn't allow it. She loved him for that, always wanting to take care of her. Sometimes she went bored out of her mind though. Not today though. Today she had so much to tell him._

She kissed him back, running her hands through his sandy blonde hair. He climbed on top of her and she felt her heart flutter, just like it always did when he was around her. You'd think that after a year of marriage, and knowing each other even longer than that, that it would die down by now. Nope. If anything, the flutter was even worse, signaling that she loved him more and more every single day. She pulled back and said, "Hi."

He smiled and kissed the tip of her nose. "How was your day?" He asked, getting off of her but taking her hand in his own and lacing their fingers together. "Did anything exciting happen?"

She thought about it and said, "Well let's see…Summer called and we went to lunch, Seth called and said he wanted you to go over and play some video games with him. Sandy and Kirsten invited us to lunch on Sunday, I found out I was pregnant, and the gardener quit." She looked into his eyes, waiting for a reaction.

"Can you repeat that last part?" He asked, shock evident on his face.

"The gardener quit?" She asked, feigning innocence.

"No, the part before that." He said, his voice squeaking.

"I'm pregnant," she said softly, all jokes aside. "I found out this morning…"

She waited for his response. They'd always talked about having a baby, but they always talked about it like it would be in the distant future. She searched his blue eyes for any type of regret. Instead, all she found was joy. "Really?" he asked, kissing her long and slow.

"You're really pregnant?"

She nodded and then said, "Yeah, I really am."

He kissed her again, slipping his tongue into her mouth. She smiled into the kiss, relieved that Ryan was so happy about it. They kissed for a while, but then he pulled back and moved down her body, pushing her shirt up to reveal her still flat stomach. He smiled at it and then rubbed it. "My baby." He whispered. 

**Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it  
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it**

Some just assume we already know  
Of the love that they feel  
[brothers and sisters  
Some have a heartfelt emotion  
But never the words to reveal 

She'd had a normal pregnancy. It had gone pretty well actually. Her morning sickness wasn't too, too bad. Ryan had taken mornings off so he could help her through it and through the whole thing, they bonded more and more. Ryan was so overprotective and it made her smile thinking about it. He took care of her, waited on her, anything she asked for was granted and in turn they got a beautiful baby girl. 

_**About 4 years ago**_   
_  
"Congratulations guys, she's a pretty one." The doctor said with a smile. "We'll go get her cleaned up for you and then we'll let you guys hold her." Ryan looked at the baby and felt a surge of pride shoot through his body. He was a father, and he'd make sure that he'd be the best father ever. Their baby was crying and he didn't think he'd ever heard such a sound. That was his baby, right there. _

When they brought her back, he held her in his arms. Marissa was too tired to hold her right now, but she still watched her newborn daughter. Ryan kissed the top of the baby's head and was amazed at how soft her skin was. He smiled down at her, already feeling so much love for her. He looked at her and said, "Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, a nose, a mouth…she's perfect Marissa." He looked up at Marissa who was smiling sleepily. "Just like you."

She smiled and said, "We did pretty good huh?" 

He smiled back and said, "Yeah, she's so beautiful." He looked down at her and felt love wash all over him again. "What should we name her?" He asked.

"Allyson. We'll call her Allie for short," Marissa said, closing her eyes and falling asleep.

With Allie still in his arms, he kissed Marissa's forehead tenderly and then looked down at his daughter. "Allie. I like that name." He said. He smiled down at her and said, "You're so lucky little one. Your mom and I are going to love you so much. And then you have the Cohens and Marissa's mom and Summer and tons of other people." He ran his thumb over her cheek, feeling her incredibly soft skin underneath it and smiled. "I love you so much already." 

**I think we all relate, so why are we afraid  
To let our hearts convey what we're feeling?  
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed  
And love can intercede if we're willing, so... **

She walked around her daughter's room and sighed. It got to be too much and she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. Instead she walked to hers and Ryan's room and got dressed for bed. Who knew when Ryan would be home? Even when he was here, it was like he wasn't. He was like a walking robot, not seeing everyone, just doing things because he had to. She lay down on the bed and looked at Ryan's side longingly. It had been so long…

_**2 years ago**_

_"Daddy!" A little two year old Allie yelled, running towards Ryan. He smiled and swept her up into his arms, kissing her forehead. She put her small hands on his face and gave him a kiss on the cheek._

"Have you been a good girl?" He asked, carrying her to the kitchen where he guessed Marissa was.

"Yes." She answered with a smile. "me and Mommy made a cake!"

"Really, what for?" He asked, pretending not to know what today was. 

She gasped at him and then said, "Duh daddy, it's my bwirthday."

"It is?" He asked, pretending to be dumb. "It can't be your birthday. I thought that was tomorrow."

"No silly, it's today!" She said with a large smile.

"How old are you turning again, twenty?" He asked.

She shook her head and giggled, "No, two!"

"Two?" He asked. "How did this happen so fast?"

She shrugged and said, "I'm a big gwirl."

He nodded and smiled. "Yeah, you are." He put her down when he saw Marissa and said, "Why don't you go play with your toys?"

"Okay." she said, running off.

"No running!" He called after her. He turned to Marissa and smiled. She had icing on her cheek and her hair was messy. There were bags under her eyes...but to him she was just as beautiful as ever. "I hear you made a cake." He said, walking towards her and putting his hands on her waist. He buried his face into her neck.

"Yeah, we did." She said tiredly. He kissed her neck and then moved it up to her jaw, and then trailed up to her mouth where he kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back.

He pulled back after a little while and then said, "I can't believe it's been two years already." He kissed the tip of her nose and then said, "It still feels like yesterday."

She nodded and sighed, "Today has been hard on me. She's two now, but soon she'll be dating and then graduating and then she'll go off to college and never talk to us..."

He laughed and said, "Marissa, she's turning two. She hasn't even started school yet." He kissed her even though she glared at him and said, "She's nowhere near going to college yet." He smiled at her and her expression softened. "And by the way, you have something on your cheek." She put her hand up to her cheek, but he stopped her. "Don't worry, I'll get it." He said, licking the icing off. 

Parents can celebrate birthdays too right? 

**Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear  
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear**

Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it  
Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it 

She heard the front door open and imagined Ryan walking in, probably soaked since they didn't really own umbrellas. She imagined him walking to the kitchen, heating up the food in the microwave, and then eating at the counter, leaning back against it and staring off into space. That's what he always did and she used to be proud of herself that she knew exactly what he was doing and what his routine was. Now she just found it pathetic.

After a while she heard footsteps on the stairs, and she closed her eyes and rolled over in bed so that she wasn't facing the doorway of their bedroom. She heard someone walk in and then she heard sounds of clothes being taken off. She imagined him unbuttoning his shirt and throwing it on the ground and kicking off his shoes and taking off his pants, leaving him in his wife beater and boxers. Then, even though she knew it wouldn't happen, she imagined him climbing into bed and wrapping his arms around her, kissing her until she turned around and looked at him. She imagined them making passionate love all night long, completely forgetting what today was.

Of course, that didn't happen. Instead, he climbed into bed and stayed far away from her and soon she heard his even breathing and realized he'd fallen asleep. So much for that.

_**1 year ago**_

_"Daddy!" Ryan heard his adorable, yet really annoying when she wants to be, three year old daughter say. He groaned and she yelled, "Daddy, time to get up!"_

"Just a second!" He said, and closed his eyes again. It was seven o'clock on a Saturday morning, his day to sleep in, and she was waking him up.

"It's' been a second!" Allie called out from the other side of the door. Him and Marissa always kept their door locked and shut in case they had a late night together...naked...and Allie came in. It would be awkward for her to walk in on them also, so whenever they were in it, the door was shut and locked.

"Why doesn't she ever wake you up?" He grumbled to Marissa who was starting to open her eyes and smirk. "Every Saturday it's the same thing." 

Marissa smiled at him and said, "Because she sees me every morning, all week but only gets to spend the mornings with you on the weekend."

He sighed and said, "I suppose that's true." He smiled down at Marissa and kissed her cheek, then got up and slipped on some boxers. He pulled on a wife beater and called out, "I'll be out there in a few minutes. I'm just going to brush my teeth."

"Okay!" His daughter yelled, and then he heard footsteps and figured she'd gone to her bedroom. He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, then came out and saw Marissa falling back asleep.

"Aren't you going to get up?" He asked.

"Nope. I"ll let you guys bond." She said, smiling as she closed her eyes.

He glared at her and then walked out of the room. He went downstairs and saw Allie already sitting on the couch waiting for him. He smiled at her despite the fact that it was early and sat down next to her. She cuddled into his side and he kissed the top of her head. "So what are we going to watch today?" 

**The word love, well it was once overused  
Back in the 70's the word was abused  
But I refuse to let love be diluted  
We can't allow physical lust to intrude it  
Or pollute it cause there ain't no excuse  
For the greatest gift of all to be abused  
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you  
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"**

Marissa guessed she'd fallen asleep because when she opened her eyes again, Ryan was gone. She glanced over at the clock. It was only 2:30 in the morning, where did he go? She got up and pulled a robe around her and then walked out to the hallway. She looked down the hall towards Allie's room and saw a small light. She walked over to it, wrapping her arms around herself. She didn't know what she'd expect to see, but it definitely isn't what she found. "What are you doing?" She asked softly.

Ryan was holding one of Allie's teddy bears, Mr. Cuddles, and get this, crying. He looked up at her and wiped his eyes quickly. "Nothing," He said, but they both knew that wasn't the case.

"I used to come in here everyday after it happened." She said, sitting down on their daughter's bed. "I'd just sit here and pretend for the smallest instant that nothing had happened." She shrugged and said, "It helped me a lot sometimes."

He didn't say anything at first, just looked down at the ground. Then after a while he whispered, "It wasn't supposed to happen. These things aren't supposed to happen to us. I thought we were over all this." He looked down and in a barely audible tone said, "Three year olds aren't supposed to die."

_**6 months ago**_

_Ryan, Marissa, and Allie had decided to go to the Cohen house for dinner. Allie wanted to show her grandma and grandpa her new mermaid drawings. Ever since she saw, The Little Mermaid, she'd wanted to be one. She'd play in their pool in the back while Ryan and Marissa watched her, enjoying being a family. They thought it was so cute the way she loved mermaids and seashells and everything. They found her so cute regardless though._

They'd arrived at the Cohen house and had eaten dinner, then the adults started talking, leaving the kids to play in the living room. Seth and Summer announced that they were going to have a third child. They'd been married a little longer than Ryan and Marissa and already had a daughter named Elizabeth and a son named Bradley. Ryan and Marissa announced that Ryan had gotten a promotion and everyone was happy. It was one of those days where it felt you were invincible. So invincible that they never noticed the kids sneaking past them.

Seth got up to go check on the kids and when he came back, his face was paler than usual. "I don't know where they are, they're not in the living room and they're not upstairs either..."

Quickly everyone started frantically looking around. That's when they heard screams and cries and everyone filed out to the backyard. Elizabeth, being older was yelling at Bradley. "It's all your fault!"

"No, it isn't..." Bradley said, tears streaming down his face. 

"Where's Allie?" Ryan asked, becoming very scared. What could have happened?

"We were watching a movie, and she said she was a mermaid and that she'd show us so we came out here and..."

"Where is Allie?" Ryan asked once more, a little louder than he should have.

Both Bradley and Elizabeth pointed to the pool. Ryan's eyes grew wide and without thinking, he jumped in. Allie was at the bottom and he quickly grabbed her small body and took her to the surface. He lay her down on the ground and said, "Come on baby...come on, wake up." He had water dripping down all over his body and Marissa got down onto the ground next to him. He attempted to do CPR and Marissa was sobbing next to him. Someone must have called the paramedics because the next thing they knew, someone was telling them they had to step aside.

A man in his thirties lifted their daughter and put her on a stretcher. They headed towards the ambulance and Marissa was holding onto Ryan's hand, sobbing into his arm. This couldn't happen to them, not this. Ryan walked up to the guy and said, "Is she going to be okay?"

The paramedic didn't say anything at first, just kept frantically trying to do something. Then he stopped and shook his head. "I'm sorry, she was found too late." 

Ryan shook his head. "No, there must be some sort of mistake. She has to be okay...she's my little girl."

The paramedic's eyes filled with sympathy and said, "I'm sorry." 

He looked over at Allie, dead, lifeless, cold, dripping wet. "My mermaid." 

**Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear  
Say the words, say the words, say "I love you"  
Say the words I long to hear**

Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you  
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you" 

"I know." She said softly. She watched her husband, the way he seemed to have aged thirty years in just six months. She wanted to help him, to show that she cared. "Ryan..." She said, placing her hand on his shoulder. He flinched. This angered her more than anything. He was off fucking some other woman and he flinched when his own wife touched him? "So is she any good?" She asked bitterly.

"Who and what are you talking about?" He asked her tiredly.

"The red head. Is she good in bed?" She asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He answered.

She took in a deep breath and said, "You know, they're always saying the divorce rate is high in the U.S." She stood up and bitterly said, "I never thought we'd fit into that category."

_**That Night**_

_Ryan and Marissa walked into their bedroom late that night. Marissa had been crying all night long, sobs wracking her body, showing her sorrow. Ryan didn't shed a tear, didn't even seem to be too sad. He looked...numb. He didn't talk to anyone unless he absolutely had to and now here they were, alone, in a house that was too big for just the two of them. If it had been any ordinary night, they would have both gone to put Allie to bed. They would have read a story, or make one up, taking turns coming up with new ideas for the story. Allie would have been captivated, her big blue eyes wide with excitement. _

They would have given her a kiss good night. Two in all. She'd tell them that she loved them and they'd both whisper that they loved her too. She'd ask for just one more story, and they'd both smile at each other knowingly and say, 'It's time for bed honey.' She'd nod, already falling asleep, and they'd hold hands and walk to their own room. They'd smile and hold each other, talking about how much they loved to be parents. They'd kiss and then make love even later into the night. Everything would seem so happy and perfect and care free. They'd be excited about spending even more time with their precious daughter the next day.

Not tonight though. Tonight, there would be no kisses and bedtime stories. There would be no I love you's and good nights. There'd be no holding hands and kissing, making love, or talking about how much they loved being parents. Tonight they'd be alone in this large house and they'd go to bed wishing this was all a bad dream. They'd feel the weight of the world up on their shoulders and they'd know that tomorrow, they wouldn't be able to spend another night with their beloved Allie.

They both got ready for bed and lay down, side by side, a wall between them. Marissa turned and looked at her husband, craving his touch, his silent reassurances that everything would be okay, that they'd make it through this. "Ryan..." she whispered softly.

But he didn't say anything, didn't even look at her. Instead, he turned on his side, his back to her, and closed his eyes and fell asleep, leaving his wife to deal with her own pain. 

_Won't you say the words  
Say the words  
Say the words "I love you"  
[You've got to say it  
Say the words  
Say the words  
Say them over and over  
[Yeah, you've got to say it, say it _

She walked down the hall to their bedroom, Ryan calling after her. It gave her satisfaction to know that she finally had his attention. It felt good to have him hurt like she'd hurt all this time. She walked into their room and slammed the door behind her, locking it. She heard beating on the door and he shouted, "Marissa, open this damn door!" But instead, she sat down against the door, pulled her knees to her chest and thought about her daughter's funeral. 

_**The Funeral**_

_"I'm sorry kid." Sandy said softly, putting his hand on his adoptive son's shoulder. "I wish there was something I could do..." _

"There isn't," Ryan stated bluntly.

Sandy nodded and walked away, realizing that Ryan wanted to be alone. He walked up to Marissa who was talking to Kirsten and said, "Go talk to him."

She shook her head and looked over at her husband sadly, longingly, and said, "He won't talk to me." 

"It'll all blow over. You guys need each other right now." Sandy said, looking at Ryan himself.

She nodded and said, "I just wish he'd realize that before it's too late."   
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

A couple of hours later, Marissa still hadn't opened the door. Ryan had stopped pounding on it so much and there was silence. Marissa was still sitting on the floor, leaning against the door and had her chin rested on her knees. She figured Ryan had given up and gone to the guest bedroom. It was so like him lately. She looked at the digital clock by the bed. 6:00 A.M. She sighed and then heard something on the other side of the door. "Marissa?"

She was kind of surprised, so surprised that she answered him. "Yeah?" 

"I didn't sleep with her." He said through the door.

"Whatever Ryan." She said with a tired sigh. She didn't feel like putting up with him right now.

"It's true," He said. He paused, and then slowly said, "I could never do that to you...to us."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever you say."

He was quiet for a few minutes, and she wondered what he was doing. This was the most they'd talked in a while. Then, he said, "Marissa?"

"Hmm?" 

"Did you mean what you said about the whole divorce thing?" He asked softly. She could hear a hint of fear in his voice.

"Yeah." She replied sadly.

"Why? Our marriage isn't failing." He said forcefully.

She let out a bitter laugh and said, "It isn't working."

"I think it's doing fine." He shot back.

"You're not here enough to know any different." She snapped. He was quiet, really quiet for a long time. After about five minutes she said, "You know, this is the first conversation we've had since Allie died. And that's only because I locked you out of the damn room." She shook her head and said, "If that's a working marriage, then I'm afraid of what a destroyed one is like."

"We can still fix it." He said.

"I don't think we can," She replied softly. "I don't even know how you feel about me anymore. I've forgotten what it feels like to kiss you...to have you inside of me...for your arms to be wrapped around me." She felt the tears sting the back of her eyes and this time she didn't even try to fight them. Let them come, she had nothing to hide anymore. "I've forgotten what it feels like to have somebody love me, for the rest of the world to melt away when I look at you."

"I want to make it up to you." He whispered, and she could barely hear him through the door that seperated them. "Marissa..." He was quiet and she wondered what he was gong to say. Finally, he said, "I love you."

Hearing that made her heart melt, made her anger diminish, made her feel some kind of hope. He still loved her. He loved her...he was in love with her. She felt the tears fall freely down her cheeks and she didn't move to wipe them away. Instead, she got up and opened the door. She saw Ryan sitting on the floor, looking at the door and she saw the hint of hope in his eyes. She held out her hand, and he took it and stood up, a step towards becoming Ryan and Marissa...the way they used to be.

By now, it was already seven thirty in the morning. It had been over six months since their daughter died. They'd just spoken the most in this past hour than they had since Allie died. It was pouring rain outside. But somehow, they knew they'd be okay. Because those three words were a starting place, a stepping stone to get their lives back. They'd never have or hold their daughter again, but they had each other. And now they finally realized that for now, that was enough.

**Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you  
Don't be afraid of the words "I love you"**


End file.
